Candle in the window.
It was 10 to 9, Monday night. I just finished watching a movie when I started with another. The first, I hadn’t seen before. The second was an old favorite. While watching, I had a cup of tea and 5 chocolate cookies. After the tea and cookies I ate a drumstick ice cream cone, strawberry.
Today was warmer than the last few. I slept in my shorts. I turned on the little air conditioner hanging in my living room window. On its own it only keeps the living room cool. I use a box fan to circulate the air to the rest of the apartment. It works ok, but there will be a few days throughout the coming summer when it’s just so damn hot, the fan and A/C will make noise and little more.
After the strawberry ice cream I popped a Xanex and went to bed. As I lay there, I thought about a dream I once had. In the dream I found myself in pajamas with tiny passenger planes and cruise ships printed on them. They were a two piece set with pockets in the pants and the shirt buttoned up the front with a little pocket over my heart. Very comfy. It was daytime and I was in a twin bed, in a long row of twin beds. There was no one else in the large room of beds except for me. I was in a mental hospital. As soon as that realization sunk in, I thought to myself, “Aaahh… Finally.” and I snuggled in for a nice afternoon nap. Then, from under the bed someone called out to me. I leaned over to look under the bed and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. Under the bed there was what appeared to be one of the doctors. He reached up and held the cuff of my pajama sleeve and said, “Madness is like being in a small boat in the middle of the sea and the water slowly seeps in through the uneven seams in the floor boards. Maybe there are paddles in the boat with you, but maybe not. Maybe the water is calm and still, or maybe it’s rough and angry and knocks you about. Maybe there is sun and far off you can see land, or maybe it’s dark and all there is, is black water and stars. What is happening outside of the boat doesn’t matter. What really matters is that the madness comes in all the while through the seams, little by little.” I’m not sure if that was a good dream or bad.
It had been about 20 minutes of laying in bed and I began to drift off. It was the Xanex and I was glad. I’d hoped to be asleep early. The earlier, the better and the earlier I’d get out of bed the next morning. As sleep took me away, I thought about my friend. I know that I’m still here. I wondered where was she. I’d never know where she was or will I ever again. I think maybe that’s what that doctor that hid under my bed was getting at. It’s those thoughts that are the seams in the floorboards. But damn my soul and damn the boat too. Love is madness. Let it sink me, dear God, may love sink me after all.